Saturday, September 02, 2006

Box of Memories

It took me a few hours to get through stack of old stuff. I was looking for my box of maternity clothes. I packed them away years ago since I won't be needing them (indefinitely). I decided to rummage the storage area to look for my maternity clothes because I plan to lend them to Jules' cousin, Darlene. I think she's around six months pregnant right now and I just thought she might appreciate the idea of borrowing some of my maternity clothes.

As I went through my old stuff, I couldn't help opening some memento boxes I packed away. I opened a box of old photos and it brought back happy memories of my school days. I found some pictures of friends back in grade school. Looking through those pictures made me smile and miss those days.

I also found a familiar plain white box. I knew what was inside. It was heavily sealed with tape. I hesitated ... but gave in anyway. I removed several layers of tape. What's inside? Letters, photos and a diary. Most of the letters were written in 1993 by someone I used to care for deeply. It has been more than ten years and yet when I read through some of the letters, I felt my heart beating a little faster. One letter was written at 2:40 a.m. He said he couldn't sleep because he was thinking of me. Blah. Blah. He wrote me many letters. I remember it was always a treat to receive one from him.

Sadly, I realized, not in any of those letters did he write the words I love you. Why should I care? That's done and over with. Yes, it has been over years ago and I have moved on but I realized even distant memories can bring back tinge of pain and regret.

I wonder, does he still have my old letters, personalized cards and artwork? Is it bad to be curious? I feel ashamed for accomodating thoughts of him when I should have discarded everything about him a long time ago.

We still keep in touch ... during birthdays and special occasions. There was a time, when he told me that he was a fool for letting go of an angel and it was probably the biggest mistake of his life. I was already married then. Did he really mean those words? Whether he meant it or not, it still felt good hearing him say it.

He is still single. I saw a picture of his last girlfriend and I'm ashamed to admit that I felt a little jealous. She was so beautiful and quite young. She had the looks of a model. But I found out they broke up. I don't know the reason behind the breakup but I'm curious. I heard the girl is working abroad. I don't understand my emotions. I actually felt sad that they didn't end up together.

I'm sure he doesn't think of me anymore like the way I do. I must be crazy to write about him here.

I didn't have a special nickname for him. I just called him by his name. He called me Chelay. Sigh.

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